Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Trimming the dry slouch

I want to make a moisturising and anti-wrinkle cream, and brand it under the slogan:
- "Give piss a chance"

I only use a fraction of my time doing nonsensical things, I've calculated it to 10/9s.

I hate it when my legs are asleep, unless the rest of me is as well. Then I appreciate they are....it would be a hassle if they weren't.

My sister often tells me I have no imagination. I think that's harsh, especially since she only exists in my mind.

I'm a mean swimmer. And by that I mean, I yell out profanities at others while I'm swimming.

The other day someone came up to on the street, and I was asked if I would consider spending money on charity. I thought about it, and answered yes, before walking away.

One of my friends tells me she is getting older and says she would do anything to get a baby. But apparently kidnapping didn't fall into that category.

One of my friends tells me she is getting older and says she would do anything to have a baby. But apparently that wasn't an invitation for impregnation as much as it was a felony(for indecent exposure).

A prostitute is a woman you for a sum of money rent for a limited period of time. Apparently marriage is a nice word for leasing.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

It's the things that you can say, which means nothing but says everything (no.1)

If you just use an hour or two everyday solving problems.
- Take me for example I use some 2 hours everyday helping to prevent hunger.
Sounds charible right?, yeah but there is another word for what I do, it's usually called Dinner. Now solving hunger can involve yourself, and here it does. Cooking and preparing dinner is a mean to solve hunger, but I must admid it does very little to help people in Africa.


It's the things that you can say, which means nothing but says everything. Basically an idea drrived from the numerous meetings with those support-the-poor people who wants you to sign a check. I help, but I don't want someone in a colourful company-names jacket with a clipboard to decide whether I should help or not.




Monday, April 04, 2005

Rest in Peace: Mitch Hedberg.
I don't know if I have enjoyed comedy as much as Mitchs.
The world has on of its bright minds too soon

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I don't know why they stopped making Zulu-liqourice, but the guy responsible wrote me

More of those sweet african fellas wrote me, more 12 million, more Mugabe, and more scamming.

I haven't written the original letter, but scroll down if you want't read it first. But here's my letter



Dear Mr TV2-Shaka-Zulu
Wow did you know your name sounds almost like yokolele. It make me wonder if people ever try and lift you horizontally so they can play you to make the hula-girls come out. Now I say Yoko lele, have you ever thought about the fact that Yoko Lele could be related to Yoko Ono.....isn't that amazing, just think about it. If that is the case then a hawaiin instrument broke up the Beatles. That reminds me, do you have a musical group called the Plastic Zokolu Band??
I am sorry to hear about your quarrel with Mugabe, but I guess it must be the season really......you know what you should do, you should buy some hasish, because I am quite sure that everybody are out of disney heroine, trust me, I've looked. Hey you know what I just thought about it, if I get the 12 million I could buy your band new instruments, which reminds have you ever tried to play a harpun, it's kinda like playing the saw but without the teeth and more like arrowish and slingy kinda like a banjo. Now I say Banjo - and I really should stop, because it gives me a rash...really I break out all over the body. I have had this condition since I was 12, but it is only certain string instruments that makes me do this. Like if I say noodle it does nothing, then again a noodle isn't an struments, although it could be if you strap it over the body of a banjo.....oh there I go again. But seriously the chimes doesn't break me out, but ok it is only part of the strument that is string, and they really don't engage in the sound, it's more like the metal cyllinders hanging from the string that is the instrument.....maybe it's true. The chain isn't stronger than the weakest link, in this case the chime isn't stronger than Magnus ver Magnusson or that austrian guy with the bandana on his head, atleast when they did those strong man contests in the 90s - they were freaking strong.
Have you ever wondered what the letter k would look like, if you wrote it 52 times staight kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Now I can only imagine what it would look like if Kofi Annan would win the 100 meter dash, especially if had a giant chicken costume on......wow that would really be funny, because I don't know if you know, but the chicken is the most aerodynamic bird in the world. The reason why it isn't the fastest is because it is a diesel, and that makes the turbo kick in late and the chicken can't stay up that late, because it's a freaking bird.
In conclusion - I would like to help you daddy-o
Best regards
That Darn Cat (from the disney movie, and the first one and the one with Christina Ricci)
ps
Did you know the Panda looks like it does so it can hide in a chess game, really it's camouflage, in case Gary Kasparov would get rabies and go Panda hunting (it will be the last place he'd expect). Smart......but then again pretty stupid that it through darwinism has survived for several thousand years, and looks like it does, solely based on a hypothetical event. But you know what they say that's why Pandas haven't invented cold fusion or marhmellows.
----- Original Message -----
From: "ZOKOLU ZABUANGA" <z11z2@netscape.net>
To: <my email>
Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2005 9:38 PM
Subject: ASSISTANCE IN INVESTMENTS

> 15/03/05.
>
> Dear Partner,
>
> You may be suprised to received this letter from me since you do not know me personally.
>
> I am Zokolu Zabuanga the first son of Kuanzo Zabuanga ,the most popular farmer in zimbabwe who was
> murdered in the land dispute in my country.I got your contact through network online hence deceided to
> write you.Before the death of my father he had taken me to johannesburg to deposite the sum of
> 12.000000.00 dollars (twelve million dollars)in one of the private security company in South Africa, as he
> foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe this money was deposited in a box as gemstones to avoid
> much dumorrage from the security company, this amount was meant for the purchase of new machines
> and chemicals for farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland.
>
> This land problem came when Zimbabwean president.Mr Robert Mugabe introduced a new land act
> reform wholly affecting the rich white farmers and some black farmers,and this resulted to the killing and
> mob action by Zimbabweean war veterans and some lunatics in the society.Infact a lot of people were
> killed because of this land reform act for which my father was one of the victims and may his soul rest in
> perfect peace.
>
> It is against this background that i and my family fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and are currently
> staying in the Nederlands where i am seeking for asylum and moreso have deceided to trasfer my father's
> money to a more reliable foreign account since the law of the Nederlands prohibits a refugee(asylum
> seeker) to open a bank account or to involve in any financial transaction throughout the territorial zone of
> the Nederlands,as the eldelst son of my father,I am saddled with the responsibilt of seeking a genuine
> foreign account where this money could be transferd without the knowledge of my goverment who are
> bent on taking everything we have got.
>
> The south African government seems to be playing along with them,i am faced with the dilemma of
> moving this amount of money out of South Africa for fear of going through the same experience in
> future,both countries have similar political history and as a business man i am seeking for a partner who i
> have to entrust my future and that of my family in his hands,i must let you know that this transcation is risk
> free,if you accept to assit me and my family,all i want you to do for me is to make arrangements with
> security company to clear the consignment (funds)from their afilate office here in the Nederlands as i
> have already giving dirctives for the consignments to be brought to the Nederlands from South Africa but
> before then all modalities will be put in place like the change of ownership to the consignmen(funds)and
> more importantly this money i intend to use for investments.
>
> I have two options for you,firstly you can choose to have certain percentage of the money for
> nominating your account for this transaction ,or you can go into partnership with me for a proper profitable
> investment of the money in your country,which ever the option you want please feel free to notify me,i
> have also mapped out 5% of this money for all kind of expences incurred in this process of this
> transaction.
>
> If you do not prefer a partnership i am willing to give you 15% of the total sum while the remaning 80% will
> be for me and my family also for the investment in your country.Contact me with the above email address
> while i implore you to maintain the absolute secrecy required in this transaction till we put claims to the
> consignment (funds).
>
> NOTE:PLEASE REPLY TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS:zokolu1@netscape.net
>
> Thanking you,and GOD bless you.
> Your's Truely ,
> Zokolu Zabuanga.
>
>
>

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Thos nice african fellas didn't write back.

You remember those nice african fellas you offered me a part of the 12 million, well they haven't written me back - I decided to take matter in my own hands, and write them back.

So this is what I got

To: tigbogbo@netscape.net
Subject: You haven't written back?


Dear Mr. Peaches and Dj BoBo
I haven't heard from you since last time, so therefore I thought you had hit a pothole in your hasish - I know how those potheads don't fix the potholes in the pavement.
Whoa I haven't had this much fun since I once saw an owl flying the concord across the oder-neisse boarder, and I am therefore very curious as to why you haven't written me back, since I offered my help.
Now you are so pretty as to ask me for help, and I will get paid too, I was wondering if you could also smuggle a lady out. Preferably someone who, who as me, likes covering knees in chocolate and knows way of
kicking the habit of disney-heroin, along with a suit filled with eel. Now when I say eel, of course I mean matches in a hovercraft.
Now to the serious part. I have talked to my bank, but it doesn't answer because it made of bricks, and they so rarely answer me back. Therefore I talked to the bank people and they told me that there is a lovely sweater for sale in a barrack near me. See I take that answer as a way of telling me they think it is a great idea, doing business with you.
I have this theory, I believe Mr. Mugabe is a born-again Toys R' Us sales clerk, and perhaps that is why he doesn't want to share his milk with other people or goats.
Now I urge you to write me again, about what I can do, I would so love to help you, and I have stopped xeroxing my various body part, I am thinking of turning the copies into a car, because then I would have the body of the car, and if I lay my body to be a car, I am nolonger a nobody.
Best regards
Willy Wonka
ps
Why is it you can't see dark green in the dark, but the color purple is a movie.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The nice man told me I won the lottery (can I go with him mom?)

Well if it isn't the african fellows, it's the lottery - I LOVE SCAMMERS, keep 'em coming - they support my absurd assumption of life (figure that one out yourself)

RAINBOW NET LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMM.
C/PINTO EL CASTELLON ,213 MADRID - ESPANA.
TEL/FAX: 0034 657 314 530
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER,
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT

Customer Service/ Foreign Claims Dept.
Ref: UK/04/20X2/68
Batch: 074/05/ZY369
WINNING NOTIFICATION: We happily announce to you the draw (#288) of the RAINBOW NET LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES INTERNATIONAL Promotions held on Saturday 22nd january 2005.

Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 5647-5600-545-188 with Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers: 05-15-23-30-34-42(bonus N-14) which subsequently won you the lottery in the second category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £765,106.09c (Seven Hundred And Sixty five thousand,One Hundred And Six Pounds Sterling Nine Pence) in cash credited
to file KTU/9023118308/03.This is from the total cash prize of £21,422,970.00c shared among the twenty eight(28) lucky winners in this category(i.e in the fifth category).

All participants for the free online lotto version were selected randomly from the World Wide Web through a computer draw system of individual and corporate organisations extracted from over 250,000 email addresses worldwide.

This promotion takes place on a quarterly basis.Your lucky winning numbers falls within our Canadian booklet representative office in the United Kingdom as indicated in your play coupon.
In view of this, your £765,106.09c would be released to you by any of ourpayment offices in Europe.

To file for your claim, please contact the fiduciary agent BANCO FINANCIER MADRID SPAIN on our secure online email:contact official:Mr Andrew Clarke
Email: banco-financie@financier.com
banco-financ@financier.com

Tel: 0034 635 092 732
with the information below:

*Name:
*Tel N+
*Fax N+
*Reference N+:
*Batch N+:

Your Winnings Certificate and all other relevant documents for payment accredditation will be prepared after proper authentication and verification of your claims file.For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.

This is part of our precautionary measures to avoid double claims and unwarranted abuse of this program.

Congratulations once more and thanks for being part of our promotional lottery program.

Sincerely yours ,

Sir Sherman Earlworth.
International Coordinator

RAINBOW NET LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS.



Therefore I wrote
:




Dear Mt. Andrew 'Dice-man' Clark Gable

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have played this internet lottery since the dawn of time, seriously my
first ticket was carved into stone (such a bitch carrying in your pocket).
You might have guessed it, but I picked those numbers by using my
ouiji-board to play the cd with "Helmuth Lotti does Prodigy" backwards, so
infact all the numbers are chosen by the reverse version of "Smack my bitch
up".
I could certainly use the money, to pay off those nice african gentlemen, who
promised me a whole lotta money if I helped them move some money out of
africa (ha ha yes that was another Helmuth Lotti reference) - see they had
some trouble with Mugabe, and therefore they can't move their money out. I
can't believe my luck, first those gentlemen, now this - wow - I knew going
into Scientology wasn't a bad idea, it has brought me all this fortune. Now
with this money, and the money I will get from the african fellows I will be
able to pay of my dept to the church of scientology.
But I kinda knew this already, because my telephone-psychic told me that my
life was going to change, and I thought it was the $10,000 it cost me, to
have her tell me that, which was the change - but now I know it was this
lottery.

Whoever thought that being addicted to smack and disney-heroin could lead to
this???? (well that is another story, I will tell in my auto-biography)

Sincerelly yours
Sir Winston Churchill

ps
I think it's cool how Alberto Tomba is world champion in covering his knees in raw dark
chocolate

pps
How did Sir Sherman Earlworth get his title? - did he also cover his knees
in chocolate while xeroxing and then faxing his double chin to the wild life
foundation??



----- Original Message -----
From: "RAINBOW NET LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMM"
<rainbow-net-lotter@rock.com>
To: "[censored - My email]"
Sent: Wednesday, March 09, 2005 6:21 PM
Subject: RE: CONGRATULATIONS!!! WINNING NOTIFICATION LETTER


> RAINBOW NET LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMM.
> C/PINTO EL CASTELLON ,213 MADRID - ESPANA.
> TEL/FAX: 0034 657 314 530
> FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER,
> INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
>
> Customer Service/ Foreign Claims Dept.
> Ref: UK/04/20X2/68
> Batch: 074/05/ZY369
> WINNING NOTIFICATION: We happily announce to you the draw (#288) of the
> RAINBOW NET LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES INTERNATIONAL Promotions held on Saturday
> 22nd january 2005.
>
> Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 5647-5600-545-188 with
> Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers: 05-15-23-30-34-42(bonus
> N-14) which subsequently won you the lottery in the second category.
>
> You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £765,106.09c
> (Seven Hundred And Sixty five thousand,One Hundred And Six Pounds Sterling
> Nine Pence) in cash credited
> to file KTU/9023118308/03.This is from the total cash prize of
> £21,422,970.00c shared among the twenty eight(28) lucky winners in this
> category(i.e in the fifth category).
>
> All participants for the free online lotto version were selected randomly
> from the World Wide Web through a computer draw system of individual and
> corporate organisations extracted from over 250,000 email addresses
> worldwide.
>
> This promotion takes place on a quarterly basis.Your lucky winning numbers
> falls within our Canadian booklet representative office in the United
> Kingdom as indicated in your play coupon.
> In view of this, your £765,106.09c would be released to you by any of
> ourpayment offices in Europe.
>
> To file for your claim, please contact the fiduciary agent BANCO FINANCIER
> MADRID SPAIN on our secure online email:contact official:Mr Andrew Clarke
> Email: banco-financie@financier.com
> banco-financ@financier.com
>
> Tel: 0034 635 092 732
> with the information below:
>
> *Name:
> *Tel N+
> *Fax N+
> *Reference N+:
> *Batch N+:
>
> Your Winnings Certificate and all other relevant documents for payment
> accredditation will be prepared after proper authentication and
> verification of your claims file.For security reasons, you are advised to
> keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed
> and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim
> your prize.
>
> This is part of our precautionary measures to avoid double claims and
> unwarranted abuse of this program.
>
> Congratulations once more and thanks for being part of our promotional
> lottery program.
>
> Sincerely yours ,
>
> Sir Sherman Earlworth.
> International Coordinator
>
> RAINBOW NET LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS.
>
>
>

Ain't nothing like receiving those african mails

Hey Again (oddly enough, since this is the first post - but it may keep you inticed)

Have you ever received one of those african mails, you know the ones that says we have a lot of money and all you have to do is help.
Well the fewest nowadays don't know it's scam mails, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun.

I received this a few days ago:

Reply Mail:tigbogbo@netscape.net

06/03/05

Dear Partner,

You may be suprised to received this letter from me since you do not know me personally.

I am Babuwa Tigbogbo the first son of Agbo Tigbogbo ,the most popular farmer in zimbabwe who was
murdered in the land dispute in my country.I got your contact through network online hence deceided to
write you.Before the death of my father he had taken me to johannesburg to deposite the sum of
12.000000.00 dollars (twelve million dollars)in one of the private security company in South Africa, as he
foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe this money was deposited in a box as gemstones to avoid
much dumorrage from the security company, this amount was meant for the purchase of new machines
and chemicals for farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland.

This land problem came when Zimbabwean president.Mr Robert Mugabe introduced a new land act
reform wholly affecting the rich white farmers and some black farmers,and this resulted to the killing and
mob action by Zimbabweean war veterans and some lunatics in the society.Infact a lot of people were
killed because of this land reform act for which my father was one of the victims and may his soul rest in
perfect peace.

It is against this background that i and my family fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and are currently
staying in the Nederlands where i am seeking for asylum and moreso have deceided to trasfer my father's
money to a more reliable foreign account since the law of the Nederlands prohibits a refugee(asylum
seeker) to open a bank account or to involve in any financial transaction throughout the territorial zone of
the Nederlands,as the eldelst son of my father,I am saddled with the responsibilt of seeking a genuine
foreign account where this money could be transferd without the knowledge of my goverment who are
bent on taking everything we have got.

The south African government seems to be playing along with them,i am faced with the dilemma of
moving this amount of money out of South Africa for fear of going through the same experience in
future,both countries have similar political history and as a business man i am seeking for a partner who i
have to entrust my future and that of my family in his hands,i must let you know that this transcation is risk
free,if you accept to assit me and my family,all i want you to do for me is to make arrangements with
security company to clear the consignment (funds)from their afilate office here in the Nederlands as i
have already giving dirctives for the consignments to be brought to the Nederlands from South Africa but
before then all modalities will be put in place like the change of ownership to the consignmen(funds)and
more importantly this money i intend to use for investments.

I have two options for you,firstly you can choose to have certain percentage of the money for
nominating your account for this transaction ,or you can go into partnership with me for a proper profitable
investment
of the money in your country,which ever the option you want please feel free to notify me,i have also
mapped out 5% of this money for all kind of expences incurred in this process of this transaction.

If you do not prefer a partnership i am willing to give you 15% of the total sum while the remaning 80% will
be for me and my family also for the investment in your country.Contact me with the above email address
while i implore you to maintain the absolute secrecy required in this transaction till we put claims to the
consignment (funds).

Thanking you,and GOD bless you.

Yours Truely
Babuwa Tigbogbo


Now, why not reply I thought - here's what I got.

Dear Mr. Knickerbocker

I am most delighted by your e-mail. I could surely do with the money to buy
negerboller, hasish and to support my growing addiction to disney-heroin,
maybe you know.
Since the dawn of day, I have always thought that pecan-pie was such a fun
word, and therefore I have decided to help you, maybe I can even grow a goattee for the fun of it.
I am very sorry to hear of your troubles, and it reminds me of standing in line when the lady in front of you has bought a dozen cartons of milk(perhaps if she has a goat).
Please tell me what to do, and how I can help, and I will try and do so as fast as I can stop xeroxing various body parts.

Sincerelly yours
Willy Wonka

ps I loved you in Shrek



Well anyway, I hope the guy replies - sometimes it can take a while before the man gets it, and know that I'm just messing about.